The Legendary Lungi

Lungi is a big sheet of cloth worn around the waist by Asian men, and this article is about the one worn by men in Kerala.

***

Just as the national bird of Kerala is Mosquito, her national dress is 'Lungi'. Pronounced as 'Lu' as in loo and 'ngi ' as in 'mongey', a lungi can be identified by its floral or window-curtain pattern.



'Mundu' is the white variation of lungi and is worn on special occasions like hartal or bandh days, weddings and Onam.

Lungi is simple and down to earth like the mallu wearing it. Lungi is the beginning and the end of evolution in its category. Wearing something on the top half of your body is optional when you are wearing a lungi. Lungi is a strategic dress. It's like a one-size-fits- all bottoms for Keralites.

The technique of wearing a lungi/mundu is passed on from generation to generation through word of mouth like the British Constitution. If you think it is an easy task wearing it, just try it once! It requires techniques like breath control and yoga that is a notch higher than sudarshan kriya of AOL. A lungi/mundu when perfectly worn won't come off even in a quake of 8 on the Richter scale. A lungi is not attached to the waist using duct tape, staple, rope or velcro. It's a bit of mallu magic whose formula is a closely guarded secret like the Coca Cola chemicals.

A lungi can be worn 'Full Mast' or 'Half Mast' like a national flag. A 'Full Mast' lungi is when you are showing respect to an elderly or the dead. Wearing it at full mast has lots of disadvantages. A major disadvantage is when a dog runs after you. When you are wearing a lungi/mundu at full mast, the advantage is mainly for the female onlookers who are spared the ordeal of swooning at the sight of hairy legs.

Wearing a lungi 'Half Mast' is when you wear it exposing yourself like those C grade movie starlets. A mallu can play cricket, football or simbly run when the lungi is worn at half mast. A mallu can even climb a coconut tree wearing lungi in half mast. "It's not good manners, especially for ladies from decent families, to look up at a mallu climbing a coconut tree"- Confucius (or is it Abdul Kalam?)

Most mallus do the traditional dance kudiyattam. Kudi means drinking alcohol and yattam, spelled as aattam, means random movement of the male body. Note that 'y' is silent. When you are drinking, you drink, there is no 'y'. Any alcohol related "festival" can be enjoyed to the maximum when you are topless with lungi and a towel tied around the head. "Half mast lungi makes it easy to dance and shake legs" says Candelaria Amaranto, a Salsa teacher from Spain after watching 'kudiyaattam' .

The 'Lungi Wearing Mallu Union' [LUWMU, pronounced LOVE MU], an NGO which works towards the 'upliftment' of the lungi, strongly disapprove of the GenNext tendency of wearing Bermudas under the lungi. Bermudas under the lungi is a conspiracy by the CIA. It's a disgrace to see a person wearing bermuda with corporate logos under his lungi. What they don't know is how much these corporates are limiting their freedom of movement and expression.

A mallu wears lungi round the year, all weather, all season. A mallu celebrates winter by wearing a colourful lungi with a floral pattern.Lungi provides good ventilation and brings down the heat between legs. A mallu is scared of global warming more than anyone else in the world.

A lungi/mundu can be worn any time of the day/night. It doubles as blanket at night. It also doubles up as a swing, swimwear, sleeping bag, parachute, facemask while entering/exiting toddy shops, shopping basket and water filter while fishing in ponds and rivers. It also has recreational uses like in 'Lungi/mundu pulling', a pastime in households having more than one male member. Lungi pulling competitions are held outside toddy shops all over Kerala during Onam and Vishu. When these lungis are decommissioned from service, they become table cloths. Thus the humble lungi is a cradle to grave appendage.

Vat da Hell vould you say?

Ole’s car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Ole.

‘Didn’t you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine, ?’ asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, ‘Vell, I’ll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da…..’

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?

Ole said, ‘Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road… .

The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the lawyer, ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie’.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn’t vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans’.

‘Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her’..

‘After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right ‘tween da eyes. Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Now vat da hell vould YOU say?

Abbott and Costello on computers

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can
track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’…………..

Management Decision

Once SONIA GANDHI, L.K. Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died.
Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks Mrs GANDHI and Advani to go to HEAVEN.

But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.

He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of
them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public
positions, etc.

Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before
a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived
notions.



Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English
test.

Mrs GANDHI is asked to spell " INDIA " and she does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.

It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ".

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus
forced to fail with false intent.



Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance
assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal
platform for all three).

Mrs GANDHI is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". She writes it easily and
passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.

Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....."
Tough one. He fails again.



Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't),he now
requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history

Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take
any more tests.

Mrs GANDHI is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". She replied "1947" and
passed.

Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".

He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000
or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now.
'

'

'
Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died
in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE.

Happy His Wife Left Him

A man had just purchased a new Corvette as a gift to himself in honor of his wife finally leaving him. He had wanted a divorce for years but he just couldn't bring himself to tell her he no longer loved her. One day he came home from work to find a note on the kitchen table that said, “I don't love you anymore either and I've moved out.” from his wife.
He was driving along the back city roads with the top down feeling young again. He decided to see just how fast the vet could go and he put the peddle to the floor. He sped away as the engine roared and a few seconds later he looked at the needle on the speedometer and seen he was doing 95mph.
At that same moment he heard the sirens and when he looked in his mirror he saw the cop that was motioning for him to pull over. In a split second decision he hit the gas and watched the needle point to 100 mph. Then he quickly came to his senses and decided he shouldn't attempt to outrun a cop.
He pulled the car over to the side of the road and the cop drove up behind him. The cop slowly opened his door, got out , and walked up to the drivers side door of the vet. The man handed the police officer his license and registration and the cop looked it over and took off his sunglasses and said to the man, “I've been working for ten hours straight and its been a really long day. The last thing I feel like doing right now is paperwork but you broke the law. Unless you've have a really good excuse that I've never heard before for driving over 95 miles per hour I'm about to write you a ticket.
The driver of the vet thought about it for a second and replied, “A few days ago my wife left me for a cop. I thought you were trying to return her.”
The cop looked at him and said, “Have a nice day.” and walked back to his police car and drove away.

Let's Rearrange the Letters in the Words

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Truths For Living

The more generous we are,
the more joyous we become.

The more cooperative we are,
the more valuable we become.

The more enthusiastic we are,
the more productive we become.

The more serving we are,
the more prosperous we become.

The more outgoing we are,
the more helpful we become.

The more curious we are,
the more creative we become.

The more patient we are,
the more understanding we become.

The more persistent we are,
the more successful we become.


William Arthur Ward

Can You Read This?

If you can read this your special. Only 55 out of 100 people can…

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit apboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Word Perfect Helpline

This is a apparently true story form the Word Perfect Helpline:-
Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is apparently suing the Word Perfect Organisation for :Termination without cause!!

(o=helpdesk operator; c=client)

o: Ridge Hall computer assistant, may I help you?
c: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Wordperfect
o: What sort of trouble?
c: Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words just went away.
o: Went away?
c: They disappeared.
o: Hmm, so what does your screen look like now?
c: Nothing
o: Nothing?
c: Its blank, and it won’t accept anything when I type.
o: Are you still in wordperfect or did you get out?
c: How do I tell
o: Can you see the C prompt on the screen?
c: What is a sea-prompt?
o: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
c: There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.
o: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
c: What is a monitor?
o: The thing with the screen on that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?
c: I don’t know
o: Well, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it, can you see that?
c: Yes I think so
o: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.
c: ……….Yes it is
o: When you were behind the monitor did you notice there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
c: No
o: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable
c: ……….Okay here it is
o: Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.
c: I cant reach
o: Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?
c: No
o: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
c: Oh its not because I dont have the rihgt angle - its because its dark
o: Dark?
c: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window
o: Well turn the office light on then
c: I can’t
o: No? Why not?
c: Because there is a power outage
o: A power … A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
c: Well, yes. I keep them in the closet
o: Good. Go get them, unplug your machine and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you got it from
c: Really, is it that bad
o: Yes, Im afraid it is
c: Well alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
o: Tell them you are too ****ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!!!!

Countdown

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

Cat

We were dressed and ready to go out to the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light and the answering machine, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and, as we opened the front door to leave the house, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house! We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird so my wife went out to the taxi while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night so she explained that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed; had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me! But it worked; I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car . . .

Pessimist

A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"

Good News, Bad News

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all
possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,

Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.

Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"

Life beyond Work

The clocked ticked 6'o clock and, one of these days, I arranged my desk, packed up my bag, got up from my seat and started walking towards the exit gate of my office.

Though I tried my best but could not avoid the attention of the people around. Actually, how could I have? - (except for being 'Mr. India') - with me sitting almost towards the end, making me cross the entire office before reaching the door. My colleagues started staring at me with multiple face expressions & one thousand questions on their faces - and in the end one of them could not resist asking "Hey! Half day today?"

"Half day? It is 6'o clock dear. Time to go home as per our office hours and I have some work also outside".

"Oh! I never knew this!" she answered sarcastically with a witty smile on her face (as if I was doing a crime!).

For a moment, I thought of going and asking the boss - to leave at 'this hour'. But, giving it a re-thought, started marching towards the door - this time toying with my cell phone so as to avoid looking at others'faces and any further questions (though many seemed to have the similar urge). Carefully avoiding the last glance at my boss's cabin I, somehow, crossed the area but could not help encountering the guard with a smile on his face, a cursory glance at his wrist-watch and an obvious question - "Aaj jaldi jaa rahen hain?" (You are going home early today?) With no replies, started waiting for the lift. The regular liftman looked me from top-to-bottom but, thankfully, did not embarrass me with another 'unanswerable' question.

Fortunately, with no further encounters and explanations, I could get out of the office. Being the summers, the sun was quiet strong at 'this hour' and I had to walk to a distance for my parked car.

Felt somewhat different with exit in almost bright daylight. If I could recollect, it was after quiet a while since I witnessed the 'evening sunlight'on a 'working' day! (with a relatively free after-office mind of-course)

As I was walking, the things 'actually' looked very different. Could feel the audacious structure of the building where I worked. (Never knew the fountains worked in the evening!) The roads were bright, so was the crowd. The street-food sellers had their busy slot and how I could have missed my favorite 'Aloo ki Chaat'.

With a hint of lemon & spice on my tongue mixed with a feeling of joy & freedom, I kept walking towards the parking slot. Needless to mention, looking at me the parkingwala was surprised as well as slightly angry as my car was parked in the end and he had to work a lot to show me the way to exit.

Turned my vehicle on the road. Actually, had no work - so towards the home. 'Switched-on' and 'switched-off' my head lights. Though I thought otherwise, the traffic at 'this hour' was relatively lesser. As against around 45 minutes - 1 hour, it took me less than 30 minutes to reach my colony gate. The colony guard, too, did not spare me by carefully checking the number plate three times before lifting the pole up. There was good crowd around - Hardly knew that our colony market was so busy at this time! The evening meeting of the aunties was 'on'. Looking at me - my neighbors were surprised so was my mom. (Though the kids were slightly disappointed to see the untimely arrival of the vehicle hindering their game)

With feeling of being less tired, I could flip few pages of a book. Could watch some television. Had quality chat with my mother. Patiently ate my dinner, and could read again before sleeping. It was really a wonderful & welcome change from the everyday hectic and late coming schedules; instilling a feeling of momentary joy & happiness in my mind.

Many people often ask me "Why do you come so late everyday?" "Do you really work till this hour?" "You have a very difficult routine, how do you manage?" I try to explain the pressures & the workload. Try to justify my routine. But, sometime I have no logical answers!

Sitting late in the offices has actually become a trend or rather a fashion (or someone can say a compulsion) nowadays. Interestingly, it is not with few but many of us. This developing and ever growing trend leaves us with many important thoughts. Either most of our workplaces are understaffed and we are bound to work for late hours for completing our day jobs or alternately it has become a trend (or a habit or a fashion) to sit till late hours and slog. Someone can argue - we have no choice but to work till late hours to run ahead of everyone.

We all are running. Running harder. Running faster - faster than time probably. But, sadly, in this rat race of careers, promotions, increments, money, and faster growth et al. we seem to have forgotten our own identities. Our own personal priorities. Our own interests. Rather ourselves! We are so awfully engrossed in our cubicles that - perhaps - we seem to be slowly forgetting the fun & the joys of this Life 'BEYOND' Work.

My kind of exercise program

Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a program of strenuous activities that do not require hysical exercise. You may use this program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing your pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing your weight around

07) Dragging your heels

08) Pushing your luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting your own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out all the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting your foot in your mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and

26) Exercise caution.

GM Helpline

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did...

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!

Manager's Secrets

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Manager

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

The Indian Way of doing things

Three contractors . . . one from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The England contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."

The Germany contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work."

Beard

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"