Beard

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Married Life

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee,

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said,

'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

"I would have been released today!

Marriage Blues

Monica married Satyajeet this day. At the end of the wedding party, Monica's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook, with Rs.1000 deposit amount.

Mother: 'Monica, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life. When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with Satyajeet. When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.'

Monica shared this with Satyajeet when getting home. They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made.

This was what they did after certain time:


- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Satyajeet after marriage

- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Monica

- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali

- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, Monica got pregnant

- 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Satyajeet got promoted

..... and so on...

However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world.... no more love...Kind of typical nowadays, huh?

One day Monica talked to her Mother:

'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!'

Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it. But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'

Monica thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account. While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She left and went home. When she was home, she handed the passbook to Satyajeet, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce.

The next day, Satyajeet gave the passbook back to Monica. She found a new deposit of Rs.5000. And a line next to the record: 'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you thru out all these years. How much happiness you've brought me.'

They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe.

Do you know how much money they had saved when they retired? I did not ask.I believe the money did not matter any more after they had gone thru all the good years in their life.

"When you fall, in any way,

Don't see the place where you fell, Instead see the place from where you Slipped. Life is about correcting mistakes."

Marriage is.....

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

Divorce Letter

Hisband's Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, and you don't want romance anymore or Anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life!

Wife's Letter


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant Whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ...
and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica; but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Rich and Free!

Be careful when you SMS...

A True Story:

This lady has changed her habit on the hand phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag which contained her mobile, credit card, purse etc. was stolen.

Twenty minutes later when she called her hubby, telling him what had happened, her hubby says 'I've just received your SMS asking about our Pin number and I've replied a little while ago.' When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The pickpocket had actually used the stolen hand phone to sms 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number.

Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from the bank account.

Moral of the lesson:

Do not disclose the relationship between you and the person in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mum etc...... and very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked thru SMS, CONFIRM by calling back.

Food for thought

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-

looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money,

will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying

to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man

asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you

home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know

I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he

has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Finding Wife

A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later.

The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. (no surprise there)

After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented.

Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful blonde on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said,

"Please, talk to me! Quick!"

She said, "Huh? Why?"

"Because I've been looking for my wife all over this mall and I can't find her," the man replied.

"Excuse me sir, how will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is."

"Oh, I know you don't know where she is... It's just that I've been looking, but I can't seem to find my wife anywhere around this mall. However, I know every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, like magic, she *suddenly* appears!"

Quality Housekeeping: Wife's duties

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner . I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as
soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit
on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so
I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won' t have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then !
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact
is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of
your aging wife because of this article , I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help
each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of
grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10
minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim,
somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Awful 4-letter Words

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
'Well', said her mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?'

'Oh mama', she replied, 'The honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic'......Suddenly she burst out crying.
'But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most
horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these
awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!'

'Sarah, Sarah', her mother said, 'calm down! You need to stay with
your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?'

'Please don't make me tell you, mama,' wept the daughter.
'I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!'

'Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your
mother these horrible 4-letter words!'

Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mama..., he used words like:
dust, wash, iron, and cook...'

'I'll pick you up in twenty minutes,' said the mother.

Chinese Love Story

An incredible love story has come out of China recently and managed to touch the world.

It is a story of a man and an older woman who ran off to live and love each other in peace for over half a century.

The 70-year-old Chinese man who hand-carved over 6,000 stairs up a mountain for his 80-year-old wife has passed away in the cave which has been the couple's home for the last 50 years. Over 50 years ago, Liu Guojiang a 19 year-old boy, fell in love with a 29 year-old widowed mother named Xu Chaoqin..

In a twist worthy of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, friends and relatives criticized the relationship because of the age difference and the fact that Xu already had children.

At that time, it was unacceptable and immoral for a young man to love an older woman.. To avoid the market gossip and the scorn of their communities, the couple decided to elope and lived in a cave in Jiangjin County in Southern ChongQing Municipality.

In the beginning, life was harsh as hey had nothing, no electricity or even food. They had to eat grass and roots they found in the mountain, and Liu made a kerosene lamp that they used to light up their lives.

Xu felt that she had tied Liu down and repeatedly asked him, 'Are you regretful? Liu always replied, 'As long as we are industrious, life will improve.'

In the second year of living in the mountain, Liu began and continued for over 50 years, to hand-carve the steps so that his wife could get down the mountain easily.

Half a century later in 2001, a group of adventurers were exploring the forest and were surprised to find the elderly couple and the over 6,000 hand-carved steps. Liu MingSheng, one of their seven children said, 'My parents loved each other so much, they have lived in seclusion for over 50 years and never been apart a single day. He hand carved more than 6,000 steps over the years for my mother's convenience, although she doesn't go down the mountain that much.'

The couple had lived in peace for over 50 years until last week. Liu, now 72 years, returned from his daily farm work and collapsed. Xu sat and prayed with her husband as he passed away in her arms. So in love with Xu, was Liu, that no one was able to release the grip he had on his wife's hand even after he had passed away.

'You promised me you'll take care of me, you'll always be with me until the day I died, now you left before me, how am I going to live without you?'

Xu spent days softly repeating this sentence and touching her husband's black coffin with tears rolling down her cheeks.

In 2006, their story became one of the top 10 love stories from China , collected by the Chinese Women Weekly. The local government has decided to preserve the love ladder and the place they lived as a museum, so this love story can live forever.

Instructions to wife

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful... Careful! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just thought you might like to know how
it feels when I 'm driving."

Mule and Wife

The local farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while
he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging
him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At
the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer
nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the
farmer nodded his head "no".

One of the towns elders saw what was happening and wondered why he
nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went
up to the farmer and asked him why.

The farmer replied," Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how
pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men
came up, they asked,' That mule for sale?'

Talk with Satan

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting
in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old
man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A Married Couple

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts. After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, "She's not from the States." "Yes, I am," said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, "Is he your husband?" "Yes."

"Mister, I'll give you a hundred camels for her." The husband sat for a long, stunned silence before he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, his indignant wife asked, "What took you so long to answer?" He replied, "I was trying to figure out how I could get a hundred camels back to America!"

A husbands nightmare

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still
in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and
wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car
was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of
the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A

lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one
wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items

of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food
was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food
was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a
small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that
something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap
and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a
heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the
bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and
asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was
his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."