Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are. After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with…and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting… Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer.
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

European English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

100 One Liners

1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
2. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
3. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
4. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
5. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
10. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
11. Every calendar's days are numbered.
12. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
13. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
14. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
15. He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.
16. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
17. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
18. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
19. It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
20. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
21. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
22. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
23. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
24. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
25. Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.
26. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
27. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
28. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large
29. Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
30. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends
31. Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
32. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
33. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.
34. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
35. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
36. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
37. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
38. To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
39. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
40. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
41. Atheism is a non-prophet organization
42. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
43. Old skiers never die -- they just go down hill.
44. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
45. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
46. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
47. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power
struggle.
48. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
49. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
50. A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.
51. Nylons give women a run for their money.
52. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
53. Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
54. The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
55. If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.
56. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
57. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
58. Old burglars never die they just steal away.
59. A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
60. Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.
61. Some people don't like food going to waist..
62. A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'.
63. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
64. Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated.
65. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
66. A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
67. A backwards poet writes inverse.
68. If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
69. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
70. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
71. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
72. When chemists die, we barium.
73. A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.
74. When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.
75. Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.
76. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
77. A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.
78. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"
79. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.
80. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.
81. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
82. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
83. When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
84. What you seize is what you get.
85. Gardeners always know the ground rules.
86. Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
87. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
88. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
89. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.
90. When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.
91. Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging
92. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
93. Old programmers never die, they just can't C as well.
94. A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.
95. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
96. Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
97. A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
98. A ditch digger was entrenched in his career.
99. A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They were an item.
100. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

The Red Marbles

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

“Hello Barry, how are you today?”

“H’lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus’ admirin’ them peas. They sure look good.”

“They are good, Barry. How’s your Ma?”

“Fine. Gittin’ stronger alla’ time.”

“Good. Anything I can help you with?”

“No, Sir. Jus’ admirin’ them peas.”

“Would you like take some home?” asked Mr. Miller.

“No, Sir. Got nuthin’ to pay for ‘em with.”

“Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?”

“All I got’s my prize marble here.”

“Is that right? Let me see it” said Miller.

“Here ’tis. She’s a dandy.”

“I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?” the store owner asked.

“Not zackley but almost.”

“Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble”. Mr. Miller told the boy.

“Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.”

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile ssaid, “There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn’t like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.”

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts…all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband’s casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband’s bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

“Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim “traded” them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size. They came to pay their debt.” “We’ve never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,” she confided, “but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho .” With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

Dalai Lama's Instructions for Life

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s:

· Respect for self,

· Respect for others and

· Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go to someplace you’ve never been before.

Put the glass down!

A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.

He held it up for all to see; asked the students,' How much do you think this glass weighs?'

'50gms!' .... '100gms !' ......'125gms' ......the students answered.

'I really don't know unless I weigh it,' said the professor,'but, my question is:
What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?'

'Nothing' the students said.

'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?' the professor asked.

'Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the students.

'You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?'

'Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress; paralysis;

Have to go to hospital for sure!'ventured another student; all the students laughed.

'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?' asked
The professor. 'No' the students said.

Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?'

The students were puzzled.

'Put the glass down!' said one of the students.

'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's problems are something like this.

Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK.

Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache. Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.

It's important to think of the challenges (problems ) in your life, but

EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to 'put them down ' at the end of every day before you go to sleep.

That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh & strong
& can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!'

Remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!

Murphy in Life

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success........ is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or is married to someone else.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich..... which never works.

If at first you don't succeed.... Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****

As soon as you mention something...... if it is good, it is taken.... If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late...... the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen....... If you have a pen, you don't have paper...... if you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

Why is it that when you dial a wrong number, it is never busy?

All PMT buses are crowded.
Corollary----- PMT buses in opposite direction always go empty.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

Be the Master of your Life.

1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.

2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.

3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.

4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.

5. Success stops when you do.

6. When your ship comes in.... Make sure you are willing to unload it.

7. You will never have it all together.

8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

9. The biggest lie on the planet- When I get what I want I will be happy.

10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.

11. I've learned that ultimately , 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.

12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.

13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.

14. We often fear the thing we want the most.

15. He or she who laughs......lasts.

16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees.

18. Life is what's coming....not what was.

19. Success is getting up one more time.

20. Now is the most interesting time of all.

21. When things go wrong .....don't go with them.

Am I Your FRIEND ????

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to think before you speak to me!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
my presence ever makes you feel uncomfortable!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to thank me for everything I do for you!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to say sorry for everything
that you don't do!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to ask me for favors!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think I would not be curious to
know your new philosophy of life!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you go by what I say and do not understand
what I don't say!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think that listening to your dreams
would put me to sleep!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think that seeing you in pain, would
not bring a tear to me!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think I do not remember the first time
we met!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you don't see the thousand ways I try to
make you happy!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you don't realise how your smile brightens
up my day!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you would rather keep quiet when you really
wanna talk!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you hesitate to ask me to stay back when
you think we should be together!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you take too much time to tell me what I
mean to you!

Am I Your FRIEND ????

You value much!

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $500/-
Note. In the room of 200,

He asked, " Who would like this 500 note?" Hands
Started going up.

He said, " I am going to give this note to one of you
But first let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the note up.

He then asked, " Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, " What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground
And started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up,
Now all crumpled and dirty. " Now who still wants it?" Still the hands
Went into the air.

" My friends, you have all learned a very valuable
Lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it
Did not decrease in value. It was still worth $ 500/-. Many times in
Our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the
Decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as
Though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will
Happen, You will never lose your value. You are special don't ever forget it!
Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams."

Zen in Life

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

2 2. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night .

Be Smart in Office

1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.

2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1 .

3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

4. Ph.D. Stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

6. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about
themselves.

7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.

8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

13. Following the rules will not get the job done.

14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".

16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.

18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.

19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.

20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Mother's Teachings

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear “the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE


1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problemonly if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

You make a difference

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the
"Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the
questions. Just read below straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and
actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.


How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These
are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the
applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and
certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one: !

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five! people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and
special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the
ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They
are the ones that care.

Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.
"Don't worry about the world! coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz)

Life's Secrets

Have a firm handshake.

Look people in the eye.

Sing in the shower.

Own a great stereo system.

If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.

Keep secrets.

Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

Always accept an outstretched hand.

Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

Whistle.

Avoid sarcastic remarks.

Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.

Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

Lend only those books you never care to see again.

Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

When playing games with ! children, let them win.

Give people a second chance, but not a third.

Be romantic.

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.

Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments.
It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.

Be a good loser.

Be a good winner.

Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

Keep it simple.

Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets

Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only
stay a few minutes.

Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

Once in a while, take the scenic route.

Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'

Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.

Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table.
Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.

Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.

Become someone's hero.

Marry only for love.

Count your blessings.

Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

Wave at the children on a school bus.

Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.

Don't expect life to be fair

A husbands nightmare

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still
in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and
wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car
was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of
the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A

lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one
wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items

of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food
was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food
was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a
small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that
something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap
and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a
heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the
bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and
asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was
his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

How to Stay Young

1. Throw out non essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop," And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is God. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Dilbert's Work Rules

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Optimism, Hope and Motivation

1. When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he tried over 2000
experiments before he got it to work. A young reporter asked him how it felt
to fail so many times. He said, "I never failed once. I invented the light
bulb. It just happened to be a 2000-step process."

2. Wilma Rudolph was the 20th of 22 children. She was born prematurely and
her survival was doubtful. When she was 4 years old, she contracted double
pneumonia and scarlet fever, which left her with a paralyzed left leg. At
age 9, she removed the metal leg brace she had been dependent on and began
to walk without it. By 13 she had developed a rhythmic walk, which doctors
said was a miracle. That same year she decided to become a runner. She
entered a race and came in last. For the next few years every race she
entered, she came in last. Everyone told her to quit, but she kept on
running. One day she actua! lly won race. And then another. From then on she
won every race she entered. Eventually this little girl, who was told she
would never walk again, went on to win three Olympic gold medals.

3. In 1962, four nervous young musicians played their first record audition
for the executives of the Decca recording Company. The executives were not
impressed. While turning down this group of musicians, one executive said,
"We don't like their round. Groups of guitars are on the way out." The group
was called The Beatles.

4. In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency,
told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, "You'd better learn secretarial work
or else get married." She went on and became Marilyn Monroe.

5. In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired a singer after
one performance. He told him, "You ain't goin' nowhere....son. You ought to
go back to drivin' a truck." He went on to become the most popular singer in
America named Elvis Presley.

6. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876, it did not
ring off the hook with calls from potential backers. After making a
demonstration call, President Rutherford Hayes said, "That's an amazing
Invention, but who would ever want to use one of them?"

7. In the 1940s, another young inventor named Chester Carlson took his idea
to 20 corporations, including some of the biggest in the country. They all
turned him down. In 1947 - after seven long years of rejections! He finally
got a tiny company in Rochester, New York, the Haloid Company, to purchase
the rights to his invention an electrostatic paper-copying process. Haloid
became Xerox Corporation we know today.

The Moral of the above Stories: Character cannot be developed in ease and
quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be
strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. You
gain strength, experience and confidence by every experience where you
really stop to look fear in the face.... You must do the thing you cannot
do. And remember, the finest steel gets sent through the hottest furnace.
And even the GOLD is tested against fire.

A winner is not one who never fails, but one who NEVER QUITS!

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?"
unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our
way.

Life's Good! Live it

Marriage

1 Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order
what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had
ordered that.

2 At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married
the wrong man."

3 Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is
finished.

4 Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's status.

5 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for
it."

6 Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in most countries son."

7 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married, and then it was too late."

8 A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the
wife takes.

9 When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair?

10 Married lives are very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and
the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.

11 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when
I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."

12 A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife wanted". The
next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You
can have mine."

13 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or his wife is new.

14 A woman was telling her friend: "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked.
The woman replied, "A multimillionaire."

Inspirational Story about Life

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us." God brews the coffee, not the cups.......... Enjoy your coffee! "The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything." Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Farewell letter from Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Gabriel Garcia Marquez, famous writer from Colombia, and Nobel Peace Prize winner for literature, has retired from public life for reasons of health. He has a form of cancer, which is terminal. He has sent a farewell letter to his friends. It is recommended reading because it is moving to see how one of the best and most brilliant of writers expresses himself & with sorrow. (Even as I'm SURE this would have sounded TWICE as good in Spanish, let us enjoy the English version nonetheless. ...) He says:

If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life, I would use it to the best of my ability. I wouldn't, possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful of all I say. I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express.

I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light. I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep.

If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy.

To all men, I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love.

I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves.

To old people I would say that death doesn't arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness.

I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken & the form used to reach the top of the hill.

I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father's finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life.

I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground.

Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul.

If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say 'I love you'. There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you & that I will never forget you. Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old.

Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn't wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.

Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them 'I am sorry';' forgive me',' please' 'thank you', and all those loving words you know.

Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them. Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you. Send this letter to those you love. If you don't do it today...tomorrow will be like yesterday, and if you never do it, it doesn't matter either, the moment to do it is now.

For you,

With much love,
Your Friend,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Laughter the Best Medicine

Your attitude affects your health.

For example, a negative attitude adversely affect your health. In fact, it’s been reported that people with negative attitude have a 19 percent greater chance of premature death!

Whereas when your attitude is optimistic, you positively affect your health. Have you ever noticed that when you’re upbeat you feel more energetic? When you think positive, uplifting thoughts which put a sparkle in your eye, a smile on your face, a spring in your step, you’re happy. How could that be anything good for you?

Laughter comes easily for most. Even so most people don’t laugh for their own good health. Illness is generally not considered a laughing matter, but perhaps it would help us to poke fun at ourselves if we’re not as well as we could be.
Laughter is a form of mental jogging. It moves our internal organ, is energizing, stress reducing, life affirming, and helps you deal with challenges. Lightness supports us; heaviness weighs us down—so let’s be lighthearted as much possible.
Is it just a coincidence that most comedians live a long life? Consider the longevity of Al Jolson, Jimmy Durante, Bob Hope, George Burns, Red Skelton, and Milton Berle, to name a few.

Why is this?

While they make others laugh – they laugh (at least inwardly), and that helps them and other people relax and have fun. Laughter and positive feelings release endorphins into the body. These are proteins that occur naturally in the brain and have potent pain relieving properties that can work wonders to heal an illness. Endorphins are natural pain killers and mood elevators.

Laughter allows us at least temporarily, to forget our ills and troubles. It increases our pulse rate and gives our respiratory system a good workout.

Two soldiers were being held in prison for two different reasons. The first soldier said to the other one,
"I'm being detained for two weeks for going AWOL (Absence Without Leave). What are you in here for and for how long?"
"Oh, I'm here for one day for killing the General" The other soldier replied.
"What?" The first soldier exclaimed. "I went AWOL and got 2 weeks and you killed the General and just got 1 day?"
"Yup…The other soldier replied. "But I'm getting executed tomorrow"

In his book Anatomy of an Illness, Norman Cousins relates that he had a serious life threatening life disease. His prognosis was poor. Knowing that, he realized that his only hope for recovery lay within himself. He was convinced that along with his doctor’s guidance, a cheerful, fun loving attitude, hope, and faith would help him recover.

He would not allow a negative statement or thought to invade his conscious mind. He rented a motel room, borrowed a movie projector, and viewed old Marx Brothers comedies and Candid Camera TV show to help him laugh and feel happy. Endorphins were released and, to his amazement of his doctors, his disease went into remission. Cousins lived many more productive years and continued his research on how our state of mind affects our bodies.

When you are well, laughter can help you stay well; if you aren’t well, it can help you get well. It has a curative effect on emotions, body, and mind. It’s contagious, allowing your family, friends, and associates to catch it, helping them fight their health and emotional problems as well. Laughter can be used daily as a delightful cost-free therapy.
Keep your life as much fun as possible. Learn to laugh easily and don’t take yourself so seriously. A lot of the things you may be worried about, in the long run, probably don’t really matter. You’re not alone-we all need to remember this! So do your best to put things into perspective. It’ll help you be healthier and happier. Ask yourself, “Will this matter in five years?” Oftentimes, situations are not worthy of thought –even next week-let alone in five years!

We can, with practice, become better and better at taking the challenges of life in stride. We can learn not to over analyze them and better control our attitude and emotional response. As a result, we’ll have more energy to work through the situations, others will enjoy being around us more, and we’ll be happier and more successful. It’s definitely not worth the effort!

Adapted from “If it is up to be It’s up to me” by Thomas B. Smith

Welcome to the Market!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50." The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !! -
Welcome to the Market!!!!!

Life is not all about complaining all the time

Before you think of saying an unkind word
Think of someone who can't speak

Before you complain about the taste of your food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat

Before you complain about your husband or wife
Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion

Today before you complain about life
Think of someone who went too early to heaven

Before you complain about your children
Think of someone who desires children but they're not blessed with yet

Before you argue about your dirty house; someone didn't clean or sweep
Think of the people who are living in the streets

Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet

And when you are tired and complain about your job
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down
Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around

Men and Women

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around them.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they feel hurt, If the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:


1. the most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you

Love changes everything

A long time ago in China, a girl name Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn’t get along with her mother-in-law at all.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law’s habits and remarks. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed, and week passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.

But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li’s poor husband the great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law’s bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it ! Li-Li went to see her father’s good friend Mr. Huang, who sold herbal medicines.

She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison for her mother in law so that she could solve the problem once and for all.

Mr. Huang thought for a while, and finally said, “Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.”

Li-Li said, “Yes, Mr Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do. “Mr Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, “You cant use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, becoz that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.

Now in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. “Don’t argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.” Li-Li was so happy.

She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

Weeks and moths went by and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.

After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn’t had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months becoz she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.

Slowly and gradually the mother-in-law’s attitude towards Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

Li-Li’s husband was very happy to see what was happening. One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, “Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She’s changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die becoz of the poison, I gave her.”

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. “Li-Li, there’s nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude towards her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.”

How to make yourself happy

HOSPITAL WINDOW
***************
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the rooms only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in distance.

As the man by the window described all this in-exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it. In his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out of the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside the window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, perhaps she wanted to encourage you.

Epilogue :

There is tremendous happiness in making other happy, despite our own situation.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

Ant & Grasshopper

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter ,the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version
**************

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.


Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.

Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).

Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.

BJP wants Sonia Gandhi's apology.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath '.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'.

Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice '.

CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '

Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

.

.

..

Many years later...

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley ..

100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ...

As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the Grasshoppers, India is still a developing country!!!

The Diamond

The sannyasi had reached the Outskirts of the village and settled Down under a tree for the night When a villager came running up to him and said," The Stone! The stone! Give me the precious stone!"

"What stone?" asked the sannyasi.

"Last night the Lord Shiva appeared to me in a dream, " said the villager, "and told me that if I went to the outskirts of the village at dusk I should find a sannyasi who would give me a precious stone that would make me rich forever".

The sannyasi rummaged in his bag and pulled out a stone. "He probably meant this one," he said, as he handed the stone over the villager. "I found it on a forest path some days ago. You can certainly have it".

The man gazed at the stone in wonder. It was a diamond, probably the largest diamond in the whole world.

He took the diamond and walked away. All night he tossed about in bed, Unable to sleep. Next day at the crack of dawn he woke up the sannyasi and said, "Here! Take back the diamond. Instead, give me that wealth that makes it possible for you to give this diamond away so easily.

Who is a true Brahmin?

By T Damu

A TRUE Brahmin is one who has acquired brahminhood not by birth but through his noble actions. He who has gained Supreme Self-knowledge is a Brahmin. Vedas and Epics proclaim that there is no caste differentiation in the Brahminic State.

Initially, people took up occupations in tune with their aptitudes and temperaments.

People dedicated to such vocations were technically classified as Brahmanas, Kshatriyas, Vaisyas and Sudras, possessing equal status in society.

Brahmins are those who have an inclination towards acquiring and disseminating sacred knowledge; Kshatriyas are those who have an in-built capacity to provide social security and peace; Vaisyas have a born tendency for trade and agriculture; and finally Sudras are persons willing to render services as in carpentry, blacksmithy, moulding, goldsmithy, ploughing and the like requiring manual labour. These were merely trade-based nomenclatures.

In the beginnning, men were either Brahmins or Sudras, according to Brihadaranyakopanishad.

In Apasthampa Sutras all are Sudras by birth. Manusmrithi declares: ‘‘Knowldege uplifts a man to brahminhood; skill in arms makes a Kshatriya; enhancement of wealth moulds a Vaisya, whereas Sudra’s qualities are congenital traits.’’ From this it is clear that the first three states of the caste system are developed after birth as a Sudra.

The aptitudes of castes: The contention in the Shanti Parva of Mahabharata is that no caste is superior to any other. It further states that God’s creations are equal and the classification of castes is based on individual tastes.

Sri Krishna, who is adored by all Hindus including Brahmins, was born in Yadava caste, a backward class of the present age. Let’s take the case of Shiva, who was a hunter belonging to the Scheduled tribe. He is worshipped by all Hindus, Brahmins included. Does this mode of worship not reveal a truth that Brahmins, Sudras, Kshatriyas and Vaisyas were all equals in the bygone era? The Vedas spoken of as the soul and supreme soul of the so-called Brahmins were classified by Veda Vyasa, the son of a fisher-woman.

Valmiki was a chandala (social outcast) prior to his attainment of sagely state. He was the author of Ramayana, a sacred text of all Hindus, including Brahmins. Sage Aitareya, the author of Aitareyopanishad, was the son of a Sudra woman. He was designated as a Brahmana. The legend of Viswamitra, a Kshatriya-turned Brahmin through his severe penance and austerities, is well known to all. Sage Vidura was born to a palace menial. He became a Brahmin on the authority of his fathomless learning.

Mythologies cite several instances of one offspring of the selfsame mother crowned as a king and another anointed as a priestly Brahmana, for example, Santanu, the king and his brother Devapi, the scholar. Kshatryia Khadru adopting Brahminhood is narrated in Bhagavata Purana. Satyakama of the depressed caste was made a Brahmin when Sage Gothama accepted him as a disciple. The very first question Sage Gothama put to Satyakama when the latter approached the former seeking discipleship was: ‘‘My boy, which family do you hail from?’’ Satyakama replied: ‘‘Oh, my preceptor! When I asked my mother about my ancestry, she denied any knowledge of it. She earned a livelihood in her youth by doing menial works at various households.

She does not know who her father was.

She is a Jabala and I am her son Satyakama. She advised me to declare my name as Satyakama Jabala, which will suffice.’’ The response from Sage Gotama to the reply from the boy was this: ‘‘Only a true Brahmana can speak like this. Go and collect firewood from the woods. I have accepted you as my disciple. You have not transgressed a little from truth.’’ According to Yudhistira, as asserted in Shanti Parva of Mahabharata, a Brahmin is one who is truthful, patient and compassionate.

The Sudra who can hold steadfast in spiritual practices such as integrity, forbearance, justice and the like can reach brahminhood, says Mahabharata. What all these things emphasize is that there is an immeasurable gap between a true Brahmana and the present-day selfstyled caste of Brahmins.

Who are these people specified as Brahmins? It is believed that a majority of them are not Brahmins in its original sense! That the Brahmins in order to suit their vested interests had inserted their theories and opinions in the vedas and epics was recorded by Dr D D Huston in his book ‘Wonderful Ethiopians of the Ancient Kushits Empire’.

He points out that certain theories that Brahmins added in the Vedas were copied from Buddhism.

The Brahmins who had borrowed some of Buddha’s thoughts had strived to establish Buddha as an incarnation of Mahavishnu, Huston says.

(The writer is Vice-President, (Corporate Affairs, South), Indian Hotels Company Limited.