Countdown

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

Cat

We were dressed and ready to go out to the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light and the answering machine, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and, as we opened the front door to leave the house, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house! We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird so my wife went out to the taxi while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night so she explained that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed; had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me! But it worked; I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car . . .

Pessimist

A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"

Good News, Bad News

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all
possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,

Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.

Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"

Life beyond Work

The clocked ticked 6'o clock and, one of these days, I arranged my desk, packed up my bag, got up from my seat and started walking towards the exit gate of my office.

Though I tried my best but could not avoid the attention of the people around. Actually, how could I have? - (except for being 'Mr. India') - with me sitting almost towards the end, making me cross the entire office before reaching the door. My colleagues started staring at me with multiple face expressions & one thousand questions on their faces - and in the end one of them could not resist asking "Hey! Half day today?"

"Half day? It is 6'o clock dear. Time to go home as per our office hours and I have some work also outside".

"Oh! I never knew this!" she answered sarcastically with a witty smile on her face (as if I was doing a crime!).

For a moment, I thought of going and asking the boss - to leave at 'this hour'. But, giving it a re-thought, started marching towards the door - this time toying with my cell phone so as to avoid looking at others'faces and any further questions (though many seemed to have the similar urge). Carefully avoiding the last glance at my boss's cabin I, somehow, crossed the area but could not help encountering the guard with a smile on his face, a cursory glance at his wrist-watch and an obvious question - "Aaj jaldi jaa rahen hain?" (You are going home early today?) With no replies, started waiting for the lift. The regular liftman looked me from top-to-bottom but, thankfully, did not embarrass me with another 'unanswerable' question.

Fortunately, with no further encounters and explanations, I could get out of the office. Being the summers, the sun was quiet strong at 'this hour' and I had to walk to a distance for my parked car.

Felt somewhat different with exit in almost bright daylight. If I could recollect, it was after quiet a while since I witnessed the 'evening sunlight'on a 'working' day! (with a relatively free after-office mind of-course)

As I was walking, the things 'actually' looked very different. Could feel the audacious structure of the building where I worked. (Never knew the fountains worked in the evening!) The roads were bright, so was the crowd. The street-food sellers had their busy slot and how I could have missed my favorite 'Aloo ki Chaat'.

With a hint of lemon & spice on my tongue mixed with a feeling of joy & freedom, I kept walking towards the parking slot. Needless to mention, looking at me the parkingwala was surprised as well as slightly angry as my car was parked in the end and he had to work a lot to show me the way to exit.

Turned my vehicle on the road. Actually, had no work - so towards the home. 'Switched-on' and 'switched-off' my head lights. Though I thought otherwise, the traffic at 'this hour' was relatively lesser. As against around 45 minutes - 1 hour, it took me less than 30 minutes to reach my colony gate. The colony guard, too, did not spare me by carefully checking the number plate three times before lifting the pole up. There was good crowd around - Hardly knew that our colony market was so busy at this time! The evening meeting of the aunties was 'on'. Looking at me - my neighbors were surprised so was my mom. (Though the kids were slightly disappointed to see the untimely arrival of the vehicle hindering their game)

With feeling of being less tired, I could flip few pages of a book. Could watch some television. Had quality chat with my mother. Patiently ate my dinner, and could read again before sleeping. It was really a wonderful & welcome change from the everyday hectic and late coming schedules; instilling a feeling of momentary joy & happiness in my mind.

Many people often ask me "Why do you come so late everyday?" "Do you really work till this hour?" "You have a very difficult routine, how do you manage?" I try to explain the pressures & the workload. Try to justify my routine. But, sometime I have no logical answers!

Sitting late in the offices has actually become a trend or rather a fashion (or someone can say a compulsion) nowadays. Interestingly, it is not with few but many of us. This developing and ever growing trend leaves us with many important thoughts. Either most of our workplaces are understaffed and we are bound to work for late hours for completing our day jobs or alternately it has become a trend (or a habit or a fashion) to sit till late hours and slog. Someone can argue - we have no choice but to work till late hours to run ahead of everyone.

We all are running. Running harder. Running faster - faster than time probably. But, sadly, in this rat race of careers, promotions, increments, money, and faster growth et al. we seem to have forgotten our own identities. Our own personal priorities. Our own interests. Rather ourselves! We are so awfully engrossed in our cubicles that - perhaps - we seem to be slowly forgetting the fun & the joys of this Life 'BEYOND' Work.

My kind of exercise program

Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a program of strenuous activities that do not require hysical exercise. You may use this program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing your pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing your weight around

07) Dragging your heels

08) Pushing your luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting your own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out all the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting your foot in your mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and

26) Exercise caution.

GM Helpline

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did...

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!

Manager's Secrets

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Manager

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

The Indian Way of doing things

Three contractors . . . one from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The England contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."

The Germany contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work."

Beard

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Nobody Wants War

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't
want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Hair remover for dog

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Debonair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Debonair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Classified Ad

These four classified ads appeared in a Kuwaiti newspaper on four Consecutive days. The first one is an obvious bloomer; the three ads that follow hopelessly try to correct the first day's mistake. One can imagine the kind of harassment Mr. Shah would have gone through!

MONDAY:

For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs.Mani who loves with him."

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.

Survey

A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world'
meant

Dating Blues

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."