Hisband's Letter
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, and you don't want romance anymore or Anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Wife's Letter
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant Whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ...
and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica; but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Rich and Free!
Divorce Letter
Son's letter to mom
Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that
was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the
envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad
and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we
will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you
can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
