The Indian Way of doing things

Three contractors . . . one from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The England contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."

The Germany contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work."

Beard

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Nobody Wants War

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't
want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Hair remover for dog

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Debonair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Debonair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Classified Ad

These four classified ads appeared in a Kuwaiti newspaper on four Consecutive days. The first one is an obvious bloomer; the three ads that follow hopelessly try to correct the first day's mistake. One can imagine the kind of harassment Mr. Shah would have gone through!

MONDAY:

For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs.Mani who loves with him."

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.

Survey

A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world'
meant

Dating Blues

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."